Cart Blanche/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, when you get married there are certain things that your wife would prefer you stop doing, like starting at other women, scratching yourself in church and the big daddy of them all, owning a motorcycle. To a woman a motorcycle represents brain damage, which she knows you can't afford. So here's the deal. See, to a women, cars are just cars. You ask a guy what kind of car he drives, he'll give you the year, make, model, horsepower and serial number. You ask a woman like bernice, she'll say, a white one. To most women, car's are all the same. So knowing that and having an old refrigerator box and a little extra paint, you can still get your motorcycle. [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. No, no, appreciate it. You know, it's funny how you get feeling sorry for yourself sometimes and then you see somebody else who's really taking it in the ear, and it makes you feel so much better, huh? Like I was thinking, you know, we pay a lot for gas in canada, and then today, I'm looking in the daily movement, and I see an article there that says americans are paying three bucks a gallon for gas! Wow, that's a shame! Uncle red, uncle red! Can I borrow the possum van? Well, well, well, suddenly riding around in the possum van isn't such a bad way to get around, eh, harold? Oh no, no, it's still bad, but I'm not in a hurry so... I was just telling everybody that americans are paying three bucks a gallon for gas. Boy, that'd be great, huh? No, harold, you don't understand we only pay like a buck a litre. Yeah, and how many litres are in a gallon? Well, who cares? Oh, you will in a minute. There's four and a half litres in a gallon so we're paying around $4.50. Harold, you don't understand. It doesn't matter what it costs in gallons if we're buying it in litres. Okay, okay, okay. How much does it co-o-ost to fill the possum van? I don't kn-o-o-ow! I never put more than 20 bucks worth in. Okay, well, what does that make the gas gauge needle do? Quiver a little. Okay, but there was a time that same amount of money would make that gas gauge go to full, but yet today that same 20 dollars gives you a mere five gallons. That's the problem. You know, harold, even if that's right, it's not right. I'm going to see about this. I'm going to look into this, harold. I'm going to do something about it. Okay, yes, you should! And while you're fighting the petroleum industry can I borrow the possum van? Not at these prices. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive this coupon for a free lesson in electrocution from the messy-your-pants school of pubic spanking. Ah... Hahaha. A free lesson in elocution from the monsieur panee school of public speaking. Okay, dalton, cover your ears. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphreys to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And go! Okay, dalton, this is when you jump up and down. Uh... Never? Okay, no. Okay, when you were a kid you got on a pogo stick and... Groin injury. Okay, okay. Say a pretty girl in a car comes up to you on the street instead of saying, "get in," she might say... Get lost? Okay, no, no. Okay, no. This is a game that kids play on the street, something scotch. Drinking scotch. That's not it, no. Oh, I know, I know. This is something that rabbits do all the time. Rub it in, why don't you, huh? We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Yeah, yeah. Okay, dalton, we're going way back here. You and anne-marie in high school, let's go to the... Clinic? I'm talking about the high school dance. Oh, no, we never went to the dances, no. You would find us sitting at home watching bonanza. Anne-marie loved hop sing -- there we go! Oh, holy smokes! Mike: What do you guys think about same sex marriage? Red: That's all marriage is, mike, the same sex for 40 years. [ laughing ] same solo sex. [ silence ] you know what I mean. There's been a lot of debate lately about changing the law to allow same sex couples to get married, eh? Dalton: Well, you know, I think marriage should only be for men and women because you know marriage is all about having children. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, red. I just meant that all children should be born in wedlock. I'm sorry, mike! No, I -- I -- what I mean is that I don't think men should marry other men. You see, that's just the kind of closed-minded attitude that keeps our society from growing and maturing. Well, I think it's for their own good. Gay men are far too sensitive to survive a marriage. Well, what if you were gay, would that change things? You'd have to do something about your hair? What about you, mr. Green? What do you think about same sex marriage? Mike, I don't like to think about things. It shows. You've never thought about the issue? Oh yeah, sure, for a while, but then harold got the girlfriend and then I relaxed after that. But I know now that it's just a religious right battling ideals with the liberalist left. Bernice made me read an article. You know, I've often wondered if... Anne-marie was gay. She wasn't before you met her. I know if I was gay, I'd want to get married... Not just live in sin. Yeah, but you have a high moral code, mike. But if my getaway driver and I got married, we wouldn't have to testify against each other. [ applause ] a lot of toy companies have done real well by taking things from the real world and then scaling them down, like cars... Or people. Boy, did he ever get scaled down. Whenever I see success, I try to do the exact opposite. So I'm taking toys and scaling them up for the real world. For example, I'm working on a new way to climb downstairs using a coil of 1/2-inch copper tubing. And I'm biggie-sizing this nerf rocket as my design for an affordable satellite launching system. I just need to build a size 9000 shoe full of concrete. But my ultimate project is to design an energy efficient vehicle that will take 10 feet of backwards motion and turn it into a mile of forward motion. Okay, step one is to get yourself all the parts that you're going to need, like, for example, well, you're going to need a vehicle of some kind and then you're going to need -- well, I'm going to have to take this apart to see how it works. Just uh -- okay, I'm going to actually need the greatest handyman tool of all... Socialized medicine. The doctor wanted to x-ray my hand, so I put the toy truck in the machine at the same time, and I notice that there's an elastic tube running around the axle. So I had to get something big and stretchy. Not as easy as it used to be. I went with these jumbo tire inner tubes. You can get these pretty cheap. Just look for an abandoned truck with a flat. I added an extra rim back here so I'd have something to attach the elastic to... And 'cause it looks sharp. Don't spare the duct tape on this job. You don't want to be smacked by this baby. It'll make that wet towel in the boy's locker room feel like a love tap... Which I hope it wasn't. Now we just back it up 10 feet or so and then zoom down the highway without any energy required. You've heard of hybrid gas-electrics? This is a hybrid gas-elastic. Now you just put her in neutral... This isn't.... Gonna work. I needed a way to let the elastic slip off when it gets to the end, so I welded a bathtub water spout on to thm on a bit of an angle here, and then I attached a shower ring to the end of my elastic. Now when I back up, it'll hold, but when I go forward and it's slack, it'll just slide off. And it's just that easy, the farther you want to go forward, the farther you go backwards. And speaking of marriage... Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. One thing my father taught me was the importance of packaging. Packaging can make anything look attractive, which explains how he got mom. Packaging is everything. You know what else is also everything? Names. Look at cars, mustang, matrix, infinity. I'm not sure why they're allowed to call a car an infinity, if you can see both ends but... Anyway, sounds good, doesn't it, eh? Or take soap: Doesn't zest sound way better than animal fat and chemicals? Names are everything. If they called bermuda shorts exposures of pasty, hairy legs, who'd buy them? And bathroom tissue sounds much classier than its job. So what's good enough for the advertising agencies is good enough for you. Don't defend your faults, rename them. You're not cheap, you're cautious. You aren't lazy, you're ergonomic. You aren't shallow, you're living in the moment. It's not what it is, it's what you call it. Master that and you'll be rich, admired and possibly president... For two terms. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. When the conditions are right for swimming in your backyard pool, call your friends. When the conditions are right for swimming in your backyard, call me. [ crash / brakes squeal ] boy. Yeah. [ applause ] hey. Talk about being in the right place at the right time. We've got an oil crisis going on, and we've come up with an alternative. The port asbestos golf club, they've been losing money since day one. They were hoping to get the canadian open, but they hadn't made all the conditions like lockers, running water and more than six holes. Well, of course, they went under so we went over. Picked up nine electric carts. It's fun driving an electric car because when you come home late at night, nobody can hear you pulling up the driveway. Uncle red? Yeah? You know, I didn't hear you pull up, you know, but sensing by the property damage, I knew you were around. Yeah, yeah. You know what, we don't care about the price of gas anymore, harold. The lodge is going electric. How do you plan to get anywhere in a golf cart that has a range of about 12 kilometres before it needs to be recharged? You just don't think the way I do, do you, harold? I hope not. Okay, look, we've got nine carts and nine locations that have outside electric outlets. We call these locations depots. So you just drive your cart to the nearest depot be it the liquor store, be it the beer store, be it the wine store. Uh-huh. Then you just plug it in and leave it for the next guy. Okay, all right, so all the lodge members have keys to these carts? No, no, no, just the ones who coughed up the 50 bucks to help pay for the carts and join the elite ranks of the golf cart blanche plan. Harold, membership has its privileges. Okay, so all right, all the other lodge members, the ones who didn't pay, we'll call them the smart ones. They don't get to use the carts. Well no, they don't have a key, harold. Here's the beauty of it. No matter where you are within the town limits of possum lake, you're never more than a 17-mile walk from a golf cart. When's the last time you walked 17 miles? Hey hey, I sit in the cart. Bernice walks to the mall, okay, and she also has to walk back so she doesn't buy much. It's a win-win. Red: Bill and I were going fishing. Look at the size of that sucker and look at what he's eating. He stuck the thing right to his face, and bill, I'd really like to get fishing today sometime if you don't mind. [ sighs ] no, no. No thank you, bill. So we're on our way and we go past one of these wishing wells. And you know, fishing is kind of a luck thing anyway, so I'm thinking, any kind of luck I can get is certainly worth a quarter to me. So I'm imagining a few fish that I would catch and fire that quarter into the wishing well. Bill pulls out a quarter and he's imagining world peace and, okay, a car. Uh-oh, uh-oh, bill, stop! You're thinking too much. But the quarter is stuck to the goo, and, of course, his watch comes right off and goes down the well. So then he wants me to try to fish it out with the fishing rod and try to hook it. And I said, that's a pretty tall order to get that down there. Okay, plan b, plan b, I've got to hold the handles. All right, I see, yes, okay, he's going to at least get in the bucket if not kick it, and... He grabs on to the rope and, of course, unfortunately the handle, at this point, kind of let go on me and it just broke right off and... She's a long way down there. Oh... Okay, so you'll be all right. No, he wants me to pull him up, and I'll give it a chance but there's a lot of weight and I've got no leverage. You've got to get a hand-over-hand combat thing coming right up the... Bill's in pretty good shape for an older man. I was pretty impressed with this 'cause he got up right close -- I should probably, thinking back at it now, I probably should have tightened that knot up a little more. Okay, now plan c. I'm going to drop a rope down there. Now, bill, I'm saying, tie that rope onto the other rope and then I'll pull you out. And I was thinking, getting some mechanical advantage through leverage and a little help from the possum van. And now, the trouble with the possum van is that she doesn't idle all that smooth. So you're either not moving at all or you're doing in and around 80. So that kind of got -- a little fast, but he's okay. He's okay, you know. Kind of looks like oktoberfest, doesn't it? But the fishing rod starts jumping, which means -- it's very rare to see a fish in a well, but I pull it up. Not only is it a fish but it's wearing his watch. So he takes the watch. Throw the fish back in. Throw the fish back in, bill. Throw it in. No, not your watch. Bill, you threw the watch. You're supposed to... Oh... That's a slice of my day. So he drops the fish back in and now what, bill? You going back in? Let me help you with that. You ever notice how some people just can't follow instructions? I am so tired of that. Are you tired of that, harold? [ mutters ] you all right, harold? Yeah. Just that last hill... Pretty steep. You're telling me. I was afraid we were going to roll back down. Good thing I kept my foot on the brake. And you know, none of this should have happened. The system was working fine. Guys just drive their cart to a station, plug it in for the next guy. I mean, it works well on paper. So does a puppy. So harold and I, we grab a cart. We're going to go down to the hardware store. No problem... No! No problem! He pulls onto the highway. We're doing like... 12. Well, golf carts have the right of way, they're like sailboats. So we get to the hardware store. We plug it in, we go inside, pick up a couple of things. When we come out, one of the other guys had taken the cart, which is fine. That's not what you said at the time. All right, my initial reaction may have been a bit negative. I never heard so many swear words in a row... And they were all verbs. Well, like I say, there was no problem. We just go over to the beer store, pick up another cart, unplug it and away we go. Yeah, yeah, mr. Wizard here doesn't pay any attention to the fact that there's an electric frying pan plugged in there too. Yeah, apparently moose thompson had cooked a little snack before he went shopping. It was no big deal. It was a very dig deal! It blew a fuse. The cart didn't get a chance to recharge. No, so we didn't have enough juice. We only made it halfway back. [ whimpers ] he made me get out and push. Well, harold, you were extra weight. If I hadn't taken you with me I could have made it all the way home. If you hadn't taken me with you, you'd still be at the bottom of that hill giving mouth to mouth to those batteries. Well, it doesn't matter, harold, I'm giving up on electric. I'm going back to gas. You'll pay more than four dollars for a gallon of gas? No, but I paid less that three dollars for a siphon hose. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, robin hood. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be down after I use the little john. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'll be driving the possum van and in order to maximize my gas mileage, I'll be coasting as often as I can... But then, coasting is what I do best. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] have a seat now. Sit down. Sit down now. Time to sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Okay, sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Ah, men, I have nine golf carts available if anybody's interested. No charge. Harold: He means there's no electrical charge. The carts are 100 dollars each. 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